Are you being haunted by ghosts from your dating past? We sometimes hold onto the memories of our past loves, clinging onto that last shred of fabric that is woven so deeply within us. The problem with doing so is that we create a security blanket that prevents us from moving forward. The comfort of those memories wraps around us and helps us to sleep at night. If we don’t deal with those memories, then they become another tile in the quilt that makes up our dating history. One small pull, and the whole thing begins to unravel.
So, how do you know if you are haunted by your past relationships?
Here are 7 signs that you have ghosts in your dating closet:
1) You cannot stop thinking about this person, even long after the relationship has ended.
2) You have hope that you will get back together with your ex.
3) Your current partner is a placeholder. You would dump them in a minute if your ex wanted you back.
4) You compare all of your current dates with your ex.
5) You keep ending up with the same person in another form. For example, your ex was a cheater, and now all of your partners since have been cheaters.
6) You are commitment-avoidant.
7) You stopped dating altogether.
If you are encountering any of the above scenarios, then I can pretty much guarantee that you are being ghosted in the worst possible way. You need to perform a dating clearing ritual to rid those ghosts for good. If you do not deal with these past relationships, then you will not be able to move forward and begin a healthy long-term relationship with someone new.
So, how do you perform a dating exorcism?
Here are some of my tips for clearing your life and your mind of these dating spirits:
1) Do a dating cleanse. Do not jump from one relationship to the next. Each relationship leaves an imprint on you, and you need to deal with that breakup fully before you start dating again. Set a time limit if needed, and stick to it. Spend 90 days healing yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically from this past relationship. This healing can come in many forms, such as via meditation, talk therapy, art therapy, working out, communing with nature, a solo adventure/vacation, etc. Do the work. There are no shortcuts here.
2) Cut off all communication with your ex. This includes stalking them on social media. You don’t need to know who they are dating or communicating with. It is not your business. Delete their number from your phone as well, so that you are not tempted to drunk dial them after half of a bottle of merlot. Nobody likes a messy ex-y.
3) Accept that this relationship is over. You are not going to get back together with them. They were a stop on your dating road trip, and you have no reason to go back there. You saw all that that scenery had to offer. Keep your eyes off of the rearview mirror. There is a big beautiful windshield in front of you with so much more dating potential. Enjoy this new perspective.
4) Stop comparing your new potential dates to your ex. They are totally different people. Enjoy the nuance, and embrace what this new person in front of you has to offer. They may surprise you in a way that you never thought possible.
5) Create a new wish list/deal breaker checklist. With each relationship, we grow and learn new things about ourselves. We begin to realize what we truly like, want, and need from our partner within a relationship. For example, that health and fitness fanatic that you thought you wanted became super annoying when he tried waking you up at 4am to go workout. You might want to fine tune that request to something more along the lines of, “looking for someone who lives a healthy lifestyle and moderate fitness level”. The attention is in the details.
6) Take an inventory of who you were in this past relationship. What did you discover about how you deal with conflict, communication, praise, and love? Were you showing up as your best self during the relationship? Were you being authentic and true to brand for your personality? Make sure that you leave any “fake you” traits in the past along with the ghosts. People want to date the authentic you, not the fake you who shows up because you think that is what your partner wants. Figure out who you are, love that person in the mirror, and move forward.
7) Go into dating with fresh eyes. Approach dating like you are a newbie who has not been haunted by the rejection, disappointment, love, and loss of the ghosts of your dating past. In other words, unpack your dating baggage bullshit, and put it away. It does not belong on this new dating journey. You would not show up in a wetsuit from a past snorkeling vacation to go skiing on a future trip to the mountains. The same applies here. Treat this new dating experience for what it is, a new chance at love.
I hope that these tips have helped you to start the work on dealing with your dating ghosts, so that you can ditch the haunting and start hunting for your new person. Remember that dating is supposed to be fun. Be present and in the moment when you go on dates. Don’t think of the past or the future, just enjoy the person who is sitting across from you. Open your heart to a new kind of love that you never knew you needed.
Happy dating loves!
With Love and Gratitude,
Matchmaker Lisa Maria