Have you ever dated someone who was seemingly perfect in every single way, except for the fact that he would not let you completely in? It is frustrating to find yourself in this type of relationship because you love everything about the person, except for his lackluster interest in you and your relationship. You begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you. Are you not being available enough? Are you not showing enough affection? Is he interested in someone else? Your mind can wander into a million different scenarios if you allow it to. Don’t go down that path. The answer is plain and simple: You are dating “Mr. Emotionally Unavailable”. When he tells you, “It’s not you. It’s me,” believe him. It truly is his issue. He is not into you, plain and simple. Don’t take it personally, just move on and find someone who is. (Disclaimer: I am not hating on men here. Women can also be emotionally unavailable. This is just the particular scenario that I chose today.)
So, how do you know if you are dating an emotionally unavailable man? As a dating coach/matchmaker, here are my 10 signs to spot him.
1) He is a perfectionist.
A man, who has to have constant order and perfection in his life, will never be happy. Life is unpredictable, so he has to know how to “go with the flow”. If he can’t “do life”, then he can’t properly “do” you or your relationship. You are not perfect. All of his exes were also not perfect. He will constantly bail when he realizes that he is not dining with perfection, and he will move on to seek “the perfect girl ”. (He won’t find her.) So, you need to end the relationship before you get in too deep.
2) He tends to “relationship hop”.
A man who has had several “one and done” dates or 3 month “relationships”, is emotionally unavailable. This is a huge red flag. If a man tells you on a first date that his longest relationship was 3 months, and he is 40 years old, then he has issues. Excuse yourself from the table, head for the door, and run like hell. Don’t look back. There is nothing to see there. You are not missing anything, and no, you are not going to be the one to change him. He is broken. Leave the pieces there, and move on.
3) He is overly complimentary.
It is wonderful for a man to flatter you with gracious comments and kind words, but if he can’t stop singing your praises on a date, then he is emotionally unavailable. Think “snake charmer” here. If the depth of a man’s conversation with you is about how wonderful you look, then he has nothing “real” to say. He is replacing intimacy with mere flattery. He should be asking you questions about yourself and your life. He should reveal details about himself and his life. If he is not carrying on a normal conversation, then he does not know how to have one. His compliments are “filler words” to deflect from his inability to feel or attain intimacy. (The same goes for a man who tries to distract you by constantly buying you stuff.) You don’t need meaningless flattery in your life. You want a man who means what he says.
4) He tries to have sex with you right away.
Most men are thinking about having sex on the first date, but real men know that there is a process to dating. If a man is overly flirtatious with the intent of trying to get you into bed, then he is emotionally unavailable. He has the conquest “hit it and quit it” mentality because that is all that he is capable of. He does not have the emotional maturity or relationship stamina to put the work in. He is emotionally lazy. Don’t fall for his tricks. He does not love you after one date. I don’t care how amazing you are. Don’t be the girl that thinks that she is so amazing that she can woo him into a relationship with “the best sex of his life” because, being emotionally unavailable, he has had a lot of practice. He is not going to change until he is ready to become emotionally available. Shoot down his advances, and move on.
5) He is a control freak.
If things always have to be on his terms, then he is emotionally unavailable. If he always has to pick the restaurant, the day, the time, etc., then he does not care about your wants or needs. A man who does not ask you what you want or what you think, is only interested in his needs. He is selfish, and selfish people are not capable of love or emotions. Leave him and his ego to spoon together. Move on. (He won’t even notice when you leave because he will be too busy organizing his sock drawer.)
6) He has a temper.
If a man is impatient or rude with the wait staff, then he will probably be the same to you when he is not “on his best behavior”. People show you more with their actions than their words. If he has road rage or yells at people for inconveniencing him, then he is more than likely emotionally abusive. Emotionally abusive is emotionally unavailable on steroids. Run far away from him because he is the type that will only let you go when he wants to let you go, on his terms. He is the worst kind of emotionally unavailable man.
7) He is arrogant.
A man, who is constantly singing his own praises, is usually suffering from low self-esteem. He has to keep talking about how wonderful he is so that you and he will believe it to be true. It takes confidence to be intimate and emotionally available. Self-love is the purest form of love, and if he cannot love himself, then he cannot love you. Move on. He has some “inside remodeling” to do.
8) He does not listen.
Relationships are built on communication. If a man is constantly talking, but not listening, then he is emotionally unavailable. If he can’t be invested in a conversation, then he will not be making a full-term investment in the relationship. We all know these types of individuals, the ones that ask you a question, and then interrupt you before listening to your answer because whatever they have to say is far more important. Don’t date these people, and for f*&k’s sake, don’t be one of them. So annoying.
9) He is constantly cancelling or rescheduling dates.
If a man is always moving your dates around, then he is emotionally unavailable. He is not looking forward to your dates if he keeps cancelling them. He either believes that his time is more important than yours or he has a side girl that he is exploring. If he wants to keep you on the back burner until he decides if someone else is better than you, then girl you better jump out of that pan, dust off the crumbs, and move on with your life. You are not supposed to be someone’s 2nd choice. You deserve better.
10) He does not look you in the eyes.
A man who wants your attention, a man who needs your attention, will try and get your full and undivided attention. He will look you deep in the eyes, and he will make you feel him. He will easily profess his feelings to you. If a man cannot look you in the eyes and tell you how he feels, then he is emotionally unavailable. Leave him alone. Let him be. You do not need to fight for his attention. He should want to give it to you fully.
I have shared with you some of the ways that you can spot an emotionally unavailable man. Whether it is on a first date, or a few months into the “relationship”, if you see these signs in your man, then you need to take care of business and leave that man alone. He is not ready for you. He is not ready for a relationship. He is not ready for love. He needs to plant his feet in the ground, and learn how to grow. He has a great deal of self-work to do, and you cannot force it on him. He has to want it for himself. Go find yourself some prime real estate because you do not need a “fixer upper”. Ain’t nobody got the time to be “flipping” boyfriends.
XOXO, Matchmaker Lisa Maria