There are times when we have all felt lonely, times when the motto “love the one you’re with” has seemed like a great cure for that longing ache of solitude. I myself have been guilty of having a “seat filler” relationship or two in the past. The problem with settling for “Mr. Right Now” was that he never really turned into “Mr. Right”. I knew from the beginning that these men were not my “person”, but it was easier to stay than it was to just walk away. Something is better than nothing, right?
Nope. It is never better. In fact, it is usually far worse.
I like analogies almost as much as I love food/cooking, so here is how I like to explain the detriment that a “seat filler” brings into your life. Imagine that you are at a restaurant. You are hungry, so you start eating all of the bread on the table because it is there, instead of waiting for your food to come. Then, all of a sudden, your food arrives. It is perfect and exactly what you want and need to nourish you. However, you are now so full from the bread, that you cannot possibly take a bite of the beautiful food in front of you, the food that you ordered, wanted, and needed. So, you take your food to go in a "doggy bag". You leave the restaurant bloated from having stuffed yourself with the unhealthy bread and are thus disappointed in your current state of being. The to-go box may make it's way to you eventually, but it will never taste as good as when you were supposed to have it. More times than not, you might even just stick it in the fridge and forget about it. You missed your opportunity to be fully nourished then and there in the moment because you were distracted by the bread. You fell for the "stuffing", and left like a turkey. Don't ever fill yourself with the "stuffing" in regards to anything in life (men, relationships, sex, emotions, jobs, friends) . The "stuffing" is really just a fluffy distraction from what you are truly meant to ingest.
You don’t want to stuff yourself with all of the bad things because they keep you from all of the good things in life. Plus, you will have to detox from that unhealthy relationship, just like you have to detox from feeding your body crappy things. That icky stuff has to go somewhere. You can’t carry it into your next relationship. Set the table, and wait for something better.
So, how do you know if you are in a “seat filler” relationship? Here are some of the telltale signs:
1) Your intuition tells you that he/she is not your “person”. Every cell in your body will warn you that this person is not the one you are meant to be with. Listen to that not-so-silent alarm.
2) You know that you do not love this person and that you never will. Your heart is not fully open and ready to receive love when you are in this stagnant energy place. Your heart is on autopilot, just going through the motions of emotions.
3) You do not really even like this person. Forget about love, this person is someone that you would not even really be friends with under normal circumstances. COVID hookups scream of this. You have to like the person you will eventually love.
4) You find yourself still scanning the apps in search of someone better. If you were with your person, then you would have stopped looking. You don’t window shop for shit that you do not need. End of story.
5) You are constantly asking your friends what they think of the person that you are with. You need to be talked into or out of the relationship. You nod along to all of the reasons as to why this is not your person. They know you. They know when you are “faking” it in a relationship.
6) The “relationship” is exhausting. You find yourself in frustration mode more than gratitude. Relationships take work, but they should not completely deplete your energy. It's like trying to drink from a cup with holes on the bottom. You can't take in what is constantly leaking out.
7) This person does not fit into your day-to-day routine. You are a night owl, and they are up at the crack of dawn every day. You see each other for brief interludes, but your schedules are way out of sync. If neither of you feel compelled to change your routine, then you are with the wrong person.
8) There are many things about them that you would like to change. Guess what? They are not going to change. Accept them as they are, or let them go. Catch and release is a real thing. Throw them back into the pond, so that someone else can cast a line. You will hook your fish soon enough.
9) You are putting in all of the effort in the relationship. Are you the one running the show, such as providing all of the financial resources, planning for dates, texting, and calling. If someone is not putting in at least ½ of the effort, then they are not invested in the relationship. Move the fuck on. You deserve to be with someone who feels like it is his/her absolute privilege to spend time with you.
10) They love bomb you and then ghost you. They say what you want to hear in order to get into your bed, and then you don't hear from them for weeks. You are their “seat filler”, a warm body in their bed. They don’t see long-term potential in you as a partner. Extreme highs and lows in a relationship are never a good thing.
11) Neither of you want to put a label on what you are. One or both of you know that this is not the destination to love. You are just a pit stop on each other’s journey.
12) Your relationship is all sex, and no intimacy. Heat is great, but heat plus intimacy and connection is where love blooms. You need the balance between the two. Don't settle for half-ass sex or half-ass intimacy ever.
13) You feel like you cannot be your “true” self around your partner. Fake you =fake relationship. Enough said.
14) Everything is about them. Calling all narcissists to the stage. These self-indulgent types will try and fill your seat and set the stage for what they want. They are the director, and you are their stage puppet. They will not take your needs into account. It is all about them. Just bye.
15) You would leave this person for almost anyone else. If you could easily swap this person out for someone else, then they are not your person. You hold onto the things that you treasure and love.
I hope that these tips have given you some sort of insight into whether or not you are in a “seat filler” relationship. If you find yourself in one of these relationships, then immediately channel your internal “usher”, and escort that person to the nearest exit. It is not healthy to have that person fill your available seat. Save that seat for the person who has potential. When you stay with someone just out of convenience or habit, you are blocking your energy to attract the right person into your life. You are also inhibiting them from doing the same. You both are driving on opposite sides of the street with your “available” light dimmed and indistinguishable.
Your “relationship” becomes the fare that you have to pay as you go on a long “joyride” out of your way. Joyrides never end well.
Remember to choose well when deciding who gets to sit beside you. You want the right person there when the curtain rises and closes.
With Love and Gratitude,
Lisa Maria
