With the epidemic of "Dating ADD" running rampant, it makes you curious as to how anyone is ending up in a relationship. Dating is hard, but not as difficult as most people make it out to be. It all starts with a great first date. With everyone swiping right and left on potential matches, it makes you wonder how many of them would swipe right again after a first date. Are you making the best first impression when you meet your potential match for the first time? Are you going on a great deal of "one and done" dates with no second dates on your dating horizon? Well, I am here to make your dating life a little bit easier. Here are my 10 tips for a "swipe-worthy" first date.
1) Try a place that is new to both of you. If you have a "go-to" spot that you take your dates to, then I guarantee that the servers have a pool going as to what they think the outcome of your date will be. Don't go there. This is the first time that the two of you will be meeting each other, so the place should be foreign to you both as well. You don't want to attach past experiences or memories of a place to this brand new date. Plus, it is fun to navigate a new venue together. If it is a restaurant, then you can discuss the dishes together as you are deciding what to order, which will give you something to talk about. Discussing food is a neutral topic with no expectations attached to it, so it is a great way to ease into conversation with one another. Plus, you can bond over your foodie tendencies.
2) Show up for your date. This seems pretty self-explanatory, but it still needs to be said. Show up for your date on time and on point. I always tell my clients to arrive at least 15 minutes early for a date. This ensures that you find a parking spot and walk into the venue with a few minutes to spare. It also gives you time to go to the bathroom, check your hair/makeup, and do any last minute wardrobe tweaks. Showing up for your date also means putting in your best effort, so make sure that you choose a cute outfit and that your hair and makeup shows that you want to be there. Nobody likes someone who puts in a half ass effort. (I am talking to you yoga pants.)
3) Bring your best attitude and smile. Dating can be stressful for some people. The anticipation of when your eyes lock for the first time and the quick scan over to gauge chemistry, can leave your date wondering what you are thinking. Greet your date with a smile, even if they are not exactly what you are looking for. It is best to lead with kindness and a great attitude. You might be pleasantly surprised. People can become more (or less) attractive to you as the date progresses. Also, be careful of the framework that is going on in your own mind. Don't assume that this person is "so much hotter than you, and will never be interested in someone like you." Leave your judgmental self-talk bullshit at the door. Self-deprecating humor is great for a standup comedy act, but not so much for a first date. Lead with your sexy and confident self. That self is the one who gets asked out for a second date.
4) Keep an open mind. Following up on tip number three, I implore you to set your judgments aside for the time being. A first date is not a time for you to be mentally checking things off of your wish list. If the person is 2 inches shorter than you normally date, who cares? They may make up for those 2 inches with a great personality or the ability to make you laugh. Don't think of a first date as an interview for a potential spouse. Think of it as spending time with another single person who is also trying to navigate this dating climate. Learn from one another.
5) Be curious. Show interest in this person sitting across from you. Ask questions in a fun and engaging way. Don't interview your date by grilling them on their career and life goals. Keep the conversation light and breezy. Ask them about any recent trips that they have been on. Be sure to ask follow-up questions as well, so that they can see that you are putting in an effort to get to know them. For example, if they tell you that they were recently in Patagonia, ask them if they had a favorite hike that they completed while there, a favorite local hotspot, etc. This is a place where you can also talk about topics like favorite books, Netflix series, or their go-to coffee shop run.
6) Listen before responding. Most people don't listen just to listen; they listen to respond. This is a poor communication technique because both people are just counting the moments in their mind until it is their time to talk. Get out of your head space and dive into your heart space. Listen to the person talking with the enthusiasm and attentiveness of a child hearing a bedtime story. Listen in a way where you slowly absorb the words that are coming out of their mouth. When they are done speaking, pause for a moment, nod, and take it all in. Then, thank them for the engaging discourse before responding with what you want to say next. Communication is intellectual foreplay, and the best way to "close the deal" on a second date. People want to feel seen and heard, so observe and be quiet for the moments when they are speaking. Showing interest in your date, will automatically make you more interesting to them.
7) Body language is your friend. People look for nonverbal cues to see if you are listening, engaged, and interested in them. If you are digging them and what they are saying, then show them that. Smile, look them deep in their eyes, and lean towards them when they are speaking. Don't cross your arms in front of you as this seems to signify you as being defensive and closed off. Also, your knees tend to point towards a person when you are into what they are putting out there. If your knees are pointed towards the door, then they are going to think that they might be on a date with the "runaway match" who is going to bolt as soon as they get up to go to the bathroom. Also, make sure that your phone is out of sight. Nothing says "not at all interested", as much as checking your phone every 5 minutes. It is also super rude and bad dating decorum. They will totally judge you, as they should.
8) Stay away from taboo topics. Do not, I repeat, do not talk about your past ex drama on a first date. If you start talking about how all of your exes were cheaters, liars, etc, then you are bringing old relationship drama to a clean dating stage. Let the final curtain close on those relationships, and move on before going on a first date. When people hear about your ex drama, they think one of two things: 1) you caused the drama and/or 2) you are not over your ex. Neither of these scenarios are particularly sexy or deserving of a second date. You also want to stay clear of the heavy topics like religion, politics, and sex.
9) Make sure to leave some buffer time built into the date. If you are enjoying yourself on the date, you might not want the date to end right away, so leave yourself enough time to extend the date either at your current venue or to another venue. For instance, if you meet for brunch and are having a great time, then you might want to walk around town after you are done eating to continue the conversation. I have had clients schedule online first dates back to back, and this is never a good idea because you will have to cut the first date short to rush to the next date. The first person will sense that you are rushing, and the second person will notice when you fly into the restaurant 7 minutes late looking frazzled. At this point, you have killed two dates with one stone.
10) Ask for the second date. If you are having a great time, then close the sale. Let your date know that you have thoroughly enjoyed the time that you have spent together and that you would love to see them again. This takes out all of the post-date anxiety and guesswork of whether or not the other person likes you. If you are not interested in a second date, then let them know that too. Thank them for the time that you spent together, let them know that you don't see them as a potential match, and wish them the best of luck in their dating journey. Be kind. If you are not feeling someone, there is no need to be a dick. Put in an honest amount of time and effort to make sure that you both took the time to try and get to know each other, and then let them down nicely. Be gracious when they do the same to you. "No" to a second date with the wrong person leads you closer to the first date with the "right" person.
Dating is work, but it is so worth the effort that you put into it. Like anything else in life, if you are doing what you love, then it does not feel like work. The most important thing is to show up, be authentic, and to truly enjoy yourself. Don't put expectations on the outcome of the date. Let love surprise you. Be in the moment, and truly enjoy the person who is sitting across from you. If it turns into something great, then you have the opportunity to explore the relationship further. If it is not noteworthy, then you simply have a new dating experience under your belt. You learn more about yourself and what you like and do not like with every new date that you go on. It is an important lesson in self-awareness. This also helps to fine-tune the dating process. It will help you to become a great "first dater" who goes on "swipe-worthy" dates. Will they swipe right on a second date? Who knows. Get out there and see what happens. You won't get a second date sitting at home. Happy dating loves!
With Love and Gratitude,
Matchmaker Lisa Maria